#1: Beef Stifado

#1: Beef Stifado
4 minutes to read

This blog post doesn’t actually contain a recipe for Beef Stifado – I apologise, dear reader. I have, on many occasions, searched for a recipe online and had to wade through a lengthy blog where the writer sexes up a pasta bake for about 800 words, amidst some pre-oven shots that have been on a date with an Insta filter. When I eventually reach the holy grail that is the ingredients list, I feel like I’ve done a day at the farmer’s market with Nigel Slater. So, if it’s a recipe for Beef Stifado you’re after, just google it and set aside a few minutes for scrolling. Sorry.

Most days, I am haunted by the idea that I’m a Crap Wife because I’m too busy trying to be a Generally Alright Mum, and it’s pretty hard to do both. Excellent Homemaker doesn’t have a chance in hell, frankly. Sometimes I have wonderful ideas that can potentially elevate me to success the field of all three. One such idea was to factor in a brand new midweek supper, to be made from scratch, every single week. Fallback stir fry with chickpeas, be gone. No sauce jars here, oh no (except for pesto because it’s a shitter to clean oily basil from the blender blades).

I’ve developed rather a canny trick with my husband of a weekday morning, where I scuttle off downstairs and call over my shoulder for him to “just watch the girls for a sec while I have a quick wee”. Our bathroom is downstairs, it’s a retro concept. Anyway, I then fly around the kitchen like a whirling dervish doing the host of jobs that I can’t manage with a baby hanging off my boobs and a toddler putting my keys in the washing machine. Beef Stifado needs to cook slowly for 3 hours, apparently. Which makes it oven-destined at 2pm. Which means a construction time of 1.30pm. Not a sodding chance. I set about quickly boshing up a few onions and looking for the one jar of Mixed Spice out of the three in the cupboard that hasn’t yet gone off. I might also add that I’m in my underwear, because I don’t want to get cooking stuff over my PJ’s that were clean on the night before. “Underwear” is actually a breastmilk-stained crop top and my c-section recovery pants (my c-section took place three years hence). Stood half naked with both hands in my cake mixing bowl mashing together half a kilo of sinewy beef and 2 cans of chopped tomatoes, I’m quite the sight. Vaguely murderous, probably.

My husband appears, clipping on his cycle helmet and springing about with the enthusiasm of knowing he is escaping for the day.

“You can’t leave yet,” I hiss. “I’m making your dinner.”

“Um, it’s 7.25am. I actually need to go to work. Can’t this be done later, as we’re not eating for about 10 hours?”

Upstairs is suspiciously quiet, peppered only with the occasional squawk from Moo that suggests she’s being prodded by someone or something. “Just go. Just go.” Moo is whisked downstairs and deposited in her bouncer chair while Mouse takes assorted lids out of the Tupperware cupboard and pretends they’re ski shoes. I eliminate everything in the recipe that calls for a pestle and mortar, in the interests of time saving and child protection.

I eventually apply water to myself, dress, feed both girls, and we successfully vacate the house en masse to Do Things. 4pm arrives and I grasp my free Waitrose coffee with pride, knowing that I’ve almost made it through another day. I have two days per week which are not salved by pre-school or my mother-in-law, and they quite frankly do me in.

What is essentially cinnamon and beef casserole is just the ticket for the (unforeseen) hottest day of 2016 to date. “What is it?” asks my husband. “Beef Stifado. It’s Greek.”

“The meat is very tender…” he trails off, navigating through a ball pit of whole black peppercorns and knotting his T-shirt around his forehead like a sweatband. “I don’t like these mushrooms” announces Mouse, picking out hunks of green pepper and putting them 4cm beyond the boundary of her easy clean table mat. Moo is too busy sucking the smithereens out of my right boob to notice me retrieving diced onion from her clammy neck folds. Those right boob / dinner time pairings really do keep the DustBuster in business, such is the wobbly trajectory of my non-dominant hand to mouth. (Related tip: Never plan couscous if you’re due to give a right boob feed over dinner. It’s really not worth the mess.)

“Mummy, what we have for dinner yesterday?” asks Mouse. She means tomorrow – yesterday refers to any day, past or future, that isn’t the current one.

“Fish fingers and chips. If you’re really good for me while daddy’s at work, you can have an onion ring.” Boom.

-SJW May 2016

22 Comments

  1. Paul
    May 24, 2016 / 11:19 pm

    Brilliant, very entertaining. I never knew you were a writer. But when the hell do you find the time to write the bloody thing?!?

    • May 24, 2016 / 11:23 pm

      Short sharp bursts at sonic speed! Glad you enjoyed it, thank you for the feedback 🙂

  2. June 7, 2016 / 9:01 am

    This is great! I wondered why there was a recipe on this linky! So true. I often end up chucking stuff together at the last minute and hoping for the best! #chucklemums

    • June 7, 2016 / 9:12 am

      Thank you, glad you liked it! I’m back to strange cobbled together at the last minute meals now ????

  3. June 7, 2016 / 10:11 am

    Haha, I remember those days – him indoors had to feed me more than once because I was so hungry but had hands full of squawking baby! Thanks for linking to #chucklemums and hope you come back next year!

  4. June 7, 2016 / 10:36 am

    Really enjoyed this, sounds like my life. The only time we ever have dinner prepared is when I’ve had two minutes to chuck it in the slow cooker. I always feel so blinking proud until no one bloody eats it. Thanks so much for linking up to #Chucklemums 😀

    • June 7, 2016 / 10:38 am

      Glad you liked it ???? my husband has learned never to admit to not enjoying a meal I’ve prepared, or he might face a painful end! Summer means salad after salad though which is easier in theory but bloody hurts the jaw after a while ????

  5. June 7, 2016 / 10:37 am

    I love how you write, a brilliant post. In those early days the slow cooker was my friend, I just chucked any old rubbish in it in the morning and it would taste alright because it had been cooked for so long! If it didn’t then ketchup was my best friend 😉 #chucklemums

    • June 7, 2016 / 10:39 am

      Thank you, that’s such a lovely compliment! I once read a joke about how everything made in the slow cooker is “brown mass in a swamp” which is pretty accurate when I go near it!

  6. June 7, 2016 / 5:19 pm

    sounds delish! if hubby doesn’t want it ill have it! I too whizz downstairs (semi clad) pretending to have a wee when I’m really boiling kettle/finding homework/emptying dishwasher etc etc x great post #chucklemums x

    • June 7, 2016 / 5:23 pm

      Haha thank you for the feedback, glad I’m not alone in the early morning trickery!

    • June 22, 2016 / 10:26 pm

      Lucky!! Have a brill time. Hope the exchange rate is still favourable…! I’ve migrated into light summer dishes such as feta and olive salads now ???? Thank you for reading X #bloggerclubuk

      • June 24, 2016 / 9:10 pm

        I’ve just realised you said ‘ whirling dervish’….thought no-one else but me ever said that!!

        • June 24, 2016 / 9:16 pm

          It’s a marvellous turn of phrase and conjures up the image of a Tasmanian devil (which is about right – a crazy blob with brown hair is basically me). Ha, yes, I imagine I’ll come a cropper with copyright laws soon so I ought to credit that recipe to the Mumsnet Top Bananas cookbook, lol. Thank you for reading ???? xx

  7. June 27, 2016 / 9:57 pm

    Ha ha I admire your determination it’s much better than mine! Says I reaching for another fajita kit … Again!! I think it’s a good idea to get it done in the morning I don’t get anything done when I have Kipper and Monkey to entertain! Thanks so much for joining us at #BloggerclubUK hope to see you again this week X

    • June 27, 2016 / 10:00 pm

      Oh I’ve done the full fleet of fajita kits don’t you worry, those soft taco things are very good in an emergency…! If I don’t get the key stuff done in the morning my day just seems to drift, funny how kids will have that effect. Thank you, it’s a great linky xx #BloggerClubUK

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