#145: Did Instagram make this…?

#145: Did Instagram make this…?
6 minutes to read

So I LOVE Instagram. I never used to get it, I didn’t understand why you’d filter the shit out of a photo and then write one thousand hashtags across one hundred comments underneath. How vain, thought I. How narcissistic. But now – oh my. I’m an IG addict. However, some things….some fads…really?! Did Instagram make these things or did these things make Instagram?

Did Instagram make smoothie bowls?

I’ma level with you right here – I don’t get smoothie bowls. So, what, do you chop all of these things and layer them neatly in a bowl, rainbow style, and THEN blend them all up into an actual smoothie? Because, if so, what a fucking waste of time and extra washing up. Or are they a sort of nouveau riche deconstructed smoothie where the contents aren’t even smushed and you just eat it, like normal food?

Did Instagram make flatlays?

So a flatlay is where you get a load of pretty things, and assemble them on a white background (nay, perhaps a slate tile or marble worktop), and filter the photo so that it looks the PRETTIEST IT CAN POSSIBLY LOOK EVER. I’m not so good at these. I tried to flatlay my recent Glossybox (not a euphemism) and the bloody lipliner kept rolling everywhere so I couldn’t see the brand and urgh.

Did Instagram make food…just all food?

“Mummy, why does your pizza look absolutely nothing like our ones? Why doesn’t yours have any cheese on? Can I touch yours? Why have you put your pizza on my little white table, you can’t sit at that table because you’ve got a big bum. Oh look, an olive has fallen off.”

“WILL YOU JUST LET ME PHOTOGRAPH MY PISS POOR CHEESE FREE PIZZA IN PEACE?”

Did Instagram make coffee porn? I mean art.

Now, there are a LOT of cups o’java brewed every day, innit. You want to IG your cappa, you need to make it stand out. You need to get your angle bang on, and if you’ve been given a manky spoon then for fuck’s sake, ditch it out of shot. No ambiguous shadows, wipe the crumbs from the table, filter the crema so it looks a bit bubbly but you can still see the mud brown caffeine lurking underneath.

Did Instagram make gymlife for days?

If you didn’t IG it, it didn’t happen mate. Sorry about that. Back you go.

Did Instagram make the best holiday no-one else will ever have?

So here’s the rub. I went down Cornwall in July, and I decided to put a bit of extra effort into my photos. By Christ, I took some lovely little photos! Seriously, look at these gems. Do you know what happened though? I lost so many followers when I was away. This pisses me off. Ok, I’ve branded myself as a fitness blogger and so maybe a hardcore runner doesn’t want to see a close up of marinelife on a rocky beach. But COME ON. You follow me, you follow me.

Anyway, I’m heading back to stalk hashtags and Juno filter my feet.

-SJW August 2017

6 Comments

  1. Maria
    August 28, 2017 / 9:10 am

    Is this just a long winded way of saying PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM?? Because if it was, it has worked. Cracking photos. Insta-clichés or not.

    • August 28, 2017 / 9:12 am

      Phew – I read the first line of that and thought I was being trolled ????

  2. August 28, 2017 / 9:47 am

    I completely agree with you – Such a great way of sharing your gorgeous photos too… I like your thinking xx

  3. Ellen
    August 28, 2017 / 7:28 pm

    This has proved to me how terrible I am at Instagram and that I just don’t really get it. I mean, don’t hate me, but I don’t enjoy pictures of coffee… maybe because I don’t drink it?! I don’t know. I am a rubbish instagrammer, all my pictures are entirely unedited and look like something our mums took way back when you couldn’t see the picture straight away and had to wait for it to be developed… eg, crap! ???? Ed x

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