#19: MelodramRant Series – I’m Not a Robot

#19: MelodramRant Series – I’m Not a Robot
3 minutes to read

Following on from my recent post about becoming something of a wannabe tech geek, I was checking out my DA rating the other day. DA is Domain Authority, a scored system which predicts how well your website will rank on search engines. The scoring parameters are 1-100, and apparently anything above 30 is decent enough. I entered my domain and waited for the result to come back. 96!! Bloody hell. I knew I was doing relatively alright, as a newb, but I didn’t expect to go right to a podium position in my first couple of months. I think I blushed a bit. 

I told my lovely Tribal blogging group in our DM chat and attempted to calm down the blaze of my glory by adding “but surely 96 isn’t right?”.

“Are you on WordPress?” someone typed.

“Yep.”

“That’s the DA for WordPress overall hun. Not your site.”

Ah. Well, there’s me looking like a bit of a tit. I went back to the DA checker and scrolled down. Sure enough, there was a score for Page Authority, which must be my individual page on the platform hosted by WordPress. I score a 1, folks. Apparently it takes a while for everything to “cache” though so I should check again in a month. The clock is ticking with the wilting social impact of my pride.

Anyway! That soul-destroying story is the cause of, but not the inspiration for, this little moan. Have you seen those Recaptcha popups, that try to determine whether you’re a nasty, data stealing, website hacking robot instead of a wet-behind-the-ears blog lady? It used to be enough to check a box and say, yeah, I’ve got blood coursing through these veins. Let me in, s’il vous plait et merci.

Not now. Not for my IP address, at least. Now, I have to pass a test based on shitty, grainy little thumbnail images that are most definitely subject to interpretation.

“Click all images that have a storefront.”

Ok. Walmart is definitely one. That corner shop gets a tick too. Petrol station? Er….I guess. Let’s give it a tick. What the hell is that in the bottom left? It looks like a photo of a shanty town from my GCSE Humanities coursework book. But there’s a man holding a pineapple in front of it so maybe it was a shop, of sorts. Top right – it is ALL BEIGE. There’s nothing distinguishing in that image at all, it is literally a screengrab of a piece of toast or something.

I click submit.

“Multiple correct solutions required. Please solve more.”

And lo, up pops another grid of 9 sodding images. Is a hotel a storefront? Does any establishment that accepts money represent a store? I click away.

“Select all images with trees.” Right, so I failed the storefront test. Ok, off we go again. By now, I’m in direct sunlight and squinting at the screen. Some are easy wins, your gaudy Christmas tree and your frondy palm. Others, however, require consultation of the RHS Encyclopedia of Plants and Flowers. I mean, middle row centre, that’s just an arid rockface with some scrubby bits of grass poking out, surely? Are they trees?

Fuck this, I’ll try another site. “Select all images with a pickup truck.”

THERE’S A STOREFRONT! Farmacia, see? Store. Oh, hang on, what am I supposed to be looking for? I click everything with an engine, and notice that with each click, a fresh tile appears underneath. Are you shitting me? How long am I supposed to be going at this for?

“Multiple corrections required. Select all images with a river.”

Oh piss off, Recaptcha. That is a GARDEN POND, and you’re a robot. You’re a robot sleuthing out other robots. You’re a cannibalistic robot and I don’t want to check my DA score again, anyway.

-SJW July 2016

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35 Comments

  1. July 14, 2016 / 10:07 pm

    Haaaa! This is amazing! First off I still have no clue how DA is going to help me. Two I’m so cared now to move to self hosting that I’m going to be small time forever and three I hate hate those little boxes too. Pick all the red items. Goes that count reddy orange? Dark red? Light red? Bloody things! Great post and very funny!!

    • July 14, 2016 / 10:09 pm

      Love you are NOT small time! But as for the red thing, yes yes yes. I’d love to know who designed those questions so I can post him a full nappy.

    • July 14, 2016 / 11:49 pm

      Be off with you, cluttering up my site!! Glad you like it, bodes well for me for next Tuesday ????

  2. July 14, 2016 / 11:53 pm

    The pictures do my head in. Have we become that stupid we can’t read numbers??? The pictures take twice as long….#Stayclassy

    • July 14, 2016 / 11:57 pm

      Glad you agree! It’s barmy. I liked the good old fashioned “type the number” too. Man I’m old….#stayclassy

  3. July 15, 2016 / 7:48 am

    Love this. So many times over commented on a blog and missed the “I’m not a robot” box. And totally agree over the silly numbers and letters. Bog off catcha! #effitfriday

    • July 15, 2016 / 8:02 am

      Haha thank you! Annoying as hell, right?! Thank you for linking to #effitfriday xx

  4. July 15, 2016 / 8:18 am

    This is very funny! Those boxes do my bloody head in! But what adds another layer of disdain to my life is that they are not blind friendly… So unless I have someone with sight with me I am never going to pass the robot check!

    • July 15, 2016 / 8:32 am

      Oooh that’s been on my mind a lot this week and I’ve been trying to “see” things differently, this just makes me hate the robots even more! Thank you for linking with #effitfriday xx

  5. July 15, 2016 / 8:23 am

    Surely with advances in technology a decent quality robot would be able to sneakily check a box to say he’s not a robot, even if he does have metallic pointy fingers? Or are robots female? Or non-gender specific?! Either way, a decent robot should be more intelligent than me by now, so any site that actually lets me in probably isn’t worth visiting ???????? #effitfridays

    • July 15, 2016 / 8:34 am

      Exactly, he should be able to contaminate some sort of motherboard and only let his own kind in, unless robots don’t have emotions which I guess they probably don’t…ah, the thought provoking nature of recaptcha! Thanks for linking to #effitfriday ????

  6. July 15, 2016 / 9:17 am

    Oh I adore you’re writing style – I know I say that every time but you genuinely make me laugh out loud! I remember the 96 elation from you – too funny – amazing for a newbie! Oh and bloody captcha drives me insaaaaane! #PickNMix

    • July 15, 2016 / 9:33 am

      Hahaha the shame of the erroneous 96! Thank goodness I didn’t blog that…oh wait… ???? thank you for being lovely and for linking to #picknmix xx

  7. July 15, 2016 / 10:04 am

    Haha, brilliant. I recently got the tree one too and definitely found myself pondering on whether a picture with bushes counted as trees. I feel so under pressure, If I was a robot I’d crack under the interrogation for sure! #stayclassymama

    • July 15, 2016 / 11:08 am

      Brilliant! They could use it as a form of torture…thank you for reading and commenting for #stayclassymama ????

  8. July 15, 2016 / 1:56 pm

    The longer you can get away with not caring, the better! Many of the stats are very hard to control anyway. Focus on your lovely writing ???? thank you for reading for #effitfriday xx

  9. July 15, 2016 / 5:41 pm

    Gahhhhhhhhh! I HATE those things, you’re right they don’t even make any sense most of the time! I darent even attempt to find out what my DA or PA or whatever is, even if I could pass the security test, I’d probably start obsessing with stats etc which sounds like zero laughs ???? #effitfriday

    • July 15, 2016 / 5:43 pm

      Zero laughs especially when you get it so wrong, like I did! Thank you for reading and linking up to #effitfriday xx

  10. July 15, 2016 / 8:13 pm

    I didn’t even know what a DA was until right this minute and I don’t have the energy to try and work out how to do it, the security tests throw me! I had one yesterday that was like a little jigsaw puzzle and I had to fit in the missing piece? It took me EIGHT times and in the end I gave up. If you want people to comment on your stuff, don’t make it impossible!! #effitfriday

    • July 15, 2016 / 10:57 pm

      Oh wow! Yes, if I had a spare sodding minute to play online jigsaw puzzles before actually getting into the webpage I’m after, I’d rather bank those 5 minutes and do something productive ???? thank you for reading and commenting for #effitfriday! X

  11. July 16, 2016 / 8:31 pm

    Haha brilliant! Ahh those recaptcha boxes are impossible…who knew it was so hard to decipher trees?! There are a couple of blogs I’ve seen with recaptcha too and I enter the code, it says I got it wrong and have to repeat 4 times before it goes through…stupid robots! xx #effitfriday #picknmix

    • July 16, 2016 / 11:08 pm

      Going to play hardball from now on and just boycott those sites. But then that would take away two thirds of the Internet. Robots are everywhere, have you seen all this Pokemon Go stuff?!! Do not get that either! Thanks for commenting lovely xxx

  12. July 16, 2016 / 10:24 pm

    lol brilliant! I seriously have rage issues with ReCaptcha though – I get so seriously offended having to prove my existence to a machine that I usually end up lashing my phone across the room…then Siri shouts at me…they’re taking over the world I`m telling you! #EffitFriday

    • July 16, 2016 / 11:05 pm

      “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” My daughter is always messing around with my phone and activating Siri who never quite catches bloody anything! Glad it’s not just me ???? thank you for commenting lovely xx

  13. July 16, 2016 / 11:06 pm

    Hello! Going to hunt out some of your stuff too. Well done on making the roundup, exciting xx

  14. July 17, 2016 / 3:54 pm

    Thanks for the giggle love. Brilliant! I also hate those bloody things and I sometimes they put me off so much I just leave and don’t bother with it x #stayclassymama

    • July 17, 2016 / 4:07 pm

      Haha, thank you – I know, they exclude half of their quality readership! Thanks for reading and commenting for #stayclassymama xx

  15. July 17, 2016 / 6:34 pm

    You sre so over my head here–where does one find this DA? And I’m on WP too, so I must be a negative. Oy, what to do, and when! xoxo #Stayclassymama

    • July 17, 2016 / 7:36 pm

      Haha – Google “check my DA” and you’ll get loads of lovely pages to see it on! I hope it’s better than a 1 ???? Thank you for reading and commenting for #stayclassymama xx

  16. July 17, 2016 / 10:47 pm

    The captcha things where they want you to write the same as they have drive me potty… I can rarely read them, and it is rare I get it the first time grrr. Thanks for linking up to #Picknmix 🙂

    Stevie x

    • July 18, 2016 / 12:01 am

      I think they’ve sensed my rage because I had about 4 tonight looking at various websites for bloggy stuff! Street numbers is my new least fave, haha. Thanks for hosting #Picknmix, always one of my faves because of the sweeties ????

  17. July 21, 2016 / 12:10 pm

    Hahah I know those Captcha things are so annoying. I feel like an idiot trying to fill them in, which one is a dog???? Haha! Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

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