#22: Peas Cod No

#22: Peas Cod No
4 minutes to read

Picture the scene. I’m off to meet a friend for a quick coffee slash lunch, between her arriving in Southampton via train and having to whizz off to the hospital for a meeting (she’s a medical type). I’m regrettably encumbered by my two children, which is a shame, although a pretty legitimate reason for “always being in coffee shops” (I’m not, dear reader). 

We’re on the cusp of being late, but at the top of a long stretch of road devoid of retail, Mouse announces she needs a wee. Really badly wee is coming out NOW mummy, that sort of wee. I quickly consider my options. Hightail it down said road that eventually leads to shops, including a toilet-appointed Starbucks. Or, divert completely off course and duck in to the Common, thus reaching a loo quicker but making ourselves even more time pressed. I’m a witless fool and so I plump for the latter.

While she’s doing the biz (not the shizz, thankfully), I have a quick glance at Twitter. I’ve become a bit of an addict, a Twaddict if you will. I place my phone on the windowsill while I straighten the waistband on her trousers, orchestrate a handwash, and put the raincover on the pram as it was just starting to drizzle as we came in. We assume a fairly speedy trot back onto our charted course.

Fast forward approximately 20 minutes. I’d better just bob my friend a text to say we’re on our way and will be just a smidgey bit late. I have a quick one handed fumble (the best of fumbles, no?) in my bag. Sheeeeeeeet. You know what I’ve done. Bollocking shitty bollocks. I perform a quick pat down of myself, even though I don’t have any pockets, and ask Mouse hopefully if she’d happened to scale the 4ft wall and retrieve my phone before we exited the toilet. Fuck. My life is on that phone. This very blog that you’re reading now is entirely delivered from my phone. I’d better ring my husband and get him to text my friend….ah yes. No phone. We’d have to go back for it, obviously.

Mouse is two stone. Moo is almost one stone. The sodding changing bag is at least half a stone. The pram is probably two stone. I am…a lot of stone. As we progress across a slightly smoother path, I break into a tentative canter and feel like I’ve morphed into the dude from Run Fatboy Run. At the same time, I start to chant in a slightly manic fashion: “Please god, please let it be there. Please god, please let no one have taken it. Please god, please let it be there.”

“Who’s peas-cod mummy? What you said? Say a bit louder.”

I’m now so inane with exertion that I have to stop running and adopt a comedic power walk, while sweat patches form across my shoulder blades and my hair starts to resemble an electrocuted scarecrow. I can’t tell Mouse who peas-cod is because I can’t actually speak anymore. She picks up the chanting baton and sings to herself, “peeeeeas cod, peeeeeeeeeas cod.” It was her bloody pees that got me into this state.

We swing onto the cafe entrance path that houses the toilet block, narrowly cutting off a dog walker who mutters profanities at me. I’m momentarily tempted to indulge The Rage and admonish him for doing swears in front of my daughter, but in reality I really REALLY have to get my phone back NOW. I screech the pram to a halt and run into the toilet. No phone. Mega bad times. I dash back out to see one of the guys from the cafe beaming at me. “Yo!” he banters. Yo?! Do I look like I’m up for a Yo!

“You lookin’ for ya phone?”

(He’s so cocksure that I wonder if this is how he delivers his chat up lines in da club – “Yo! You lookin’ for a good time?”)

“Yes! Please say you’ve got it?” I appear to be simpering. Peas cod let it be here. He ducks into a cupboard. “Wallpaper?”

Jesus, I don’t know! One of the children, the home screen is a different offspring to the lock screen so it’s one or t’other. “Case? Colour?” He’s quite clearly dicking with me for lol’s, it must be a slow news day. I eventually manage to jump through his security hoops and the phone is released back into my sweaty grasp. I look like such a tit that I immediately conclude I can never set foot in there again, which is a bugger as it’s the only toilet within a million acres of green space.

I message my friend and offer to run the two miles back down to our agreed meeting point, which she seems alarmed by. We agree to convene halfway between our coordinates, which is ironically the very Starbucks I should have tried to dash to with Mouse in the first place. No windowsills or flat surfaces in their loo, you see. No handy phone depositories. But, conversely, no one in there to “Yo” me, either.

-SJW July 2016

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40 Comments

  1. July 21, 2016 / 9:22 pm

    I felt all stressed out and hot reading this…the time pressure, the heavy loads, the phone..nooo!! Possibly made all the more vivid by knowing roughly the route you would have been on, the probable cafe you stopped at and the likely Starbucks you ended up in! Love the ‘peas cod no’ though, I may have to steal that – how cute!

    • July 21, 2016 / 9:58 pm

      Haha I was going to tweet you this, like a geek, because I thought you might recognise my course (Lodge Road, London Road, Hawthorns). Oh god (cod?) it was so awful – I must have looked deranged. To top it all off, she half inched most of my lunch at the Starbucks as well so I really did not win at life that day! X

  2. July 21, 2016 / 11:07 pm

    At least there was a happy ending (in the less interesting sense)!! Last time I left my phone on a toilet ledge it fell off and smashed in Pizza Hut.

    You do your whole blog from your phone?! Not including the set up surely?! A pre-emptive #effitfriday

    • July 21, 2016 / 11:34 pm

      Er, the less interesting sense is best in that context! I’ll tell you my ultimate smashed phone story one day when you’re exceptionally bored. Not any more…right up until I went self hosted I did zero from the laptop. Then I checked my site on someone else’s laptop one day and it looked sodding awful! So now I tend to type the posts in my notes, then send it all to myself and publish from the computer, old school. Mixed media is my new jam. #effitfriday

  3. July 22, 2016 / 12:47 am

    Laughing as I type this because peas cod is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long while. Love your blog!
    #StayClassyMama

  4. July 22, 2016 / 8:36 am

    You tell a great tale – I was reliving it with you. That feeling when you realise you’ve lost your phone….words can’t describe…but you did – brilliant! Alison x #FridayFrolics

  5. July 22, 2016 / 9:47 am

    Thanks cod touch got your phone back. I would be completely lost!! My husband would probably rejoice on the other hand! #effitfriday

    • July 22, 2016 / 10:19 am

      Haha like back in the old days when men could vanish to the pub and not be harassed by their womenfolk ???? #effitfriday

  6. July 22, 2016 / 10:22 am

    ha ha ha, I love stories like this! I was feeling every moment of your dread!! Losing my phone just doesn’t even bear thinking about, MY WHOLE LIFE is on there and is run from there! So glad you got it back, hope you enjoyed your coffee and lunch after all that drama.

    #stayclassymama

    • July 22, 2016 / 10:31 am

      I know, scary really how dependant I am on it! Thank you for reading for #stayclassymama xx

  7. July 22, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    Ah well you know me, I love a pun – and “peas cod” is a great one, even if it was coined by a toddler! I think I would cry if I lost my phone, so total sympathy stress here…
    #effitfriday

    • July 22, 2016 / 1:32 pm

      First stop mania, second stop deranged tears. I was not far off! #effitfriday

  8. July 22, 2016 / 2:13 pm

    I think the funniest part of this is picturing the little one chanting out cadence as you bust your ass. I’ll bet to her it was a fantastic adventure. The only think better would have been a tantrum because you wouldn’t do the dash “again!” Glad you got the phone back! #effitfridays

    • July 22, 2016 / 2:18 pm

      Physically could not have doubled that dash! Still carb loading in compensation. Thanks for reading ???? #effitfriday

  9. July 22, 2016 / 6:12 pm

    Peas cod! Ahhh I love it. Moose you’re so funny and I felt like I was right there with you running back to the (presumably) grim public toilets! I am very happy you got your phone back though. #FridayFrolics & #StayClassyMama

    • July 22, 2016 / 6:55 pm

      Aah thanks Ed! Yes, not the grimmest but not a hotel suite either. Still, thank Christ it was handed in!! #FridayFrolics #StayClassyMama #AllTheHashtags #LoveYouEd

  10. July 22, 2016 / 7:45 pm

    Peas cod! What a flipping nightmare! Love your writing style….v funny! #Fridayfrolics

  11. July 22, 2016 / 10:50 pm

    That is my worst nightmare! The thoughts of losing my phone gives me the shivers – you survived though (sort of) #FridayFrolics

    • July 24, 2016 / 8:27 pm

      I lived to tell the tale and have been exceptionally careful with it since 😉 Thank you for reading and commenting for #FridayFrolics

  12. July 23, 2016 / 6:40 pm

    Haha this made me laugh out loud. Peas cod is brilliant! I am always a flustered mess with two kids and why so they always need a wee at the most inappropriate times. Glad you got your phone back! X #effitfriday

    • July 23, 2016 / 7:45 pm

      The wee is always urgent as well, never “I could do with going soon, but don’t exert yourself, I’m probably good for 10 minutes”! Thank you for reading and commenting for #effitfriday xx

  13. July 23, 2016 / 7:20 pm

    This is hilarious! I love the peas cod serenading as you break out into a sweat – brilliant. We’ve been there when James was younger, usually in the last 5 minutes of a film in the cinema, and he had to go NOW. I felt quite bad at laughing so hard, but loved it all xx #stayclassymama

    • July 23, 2016 / 7:48 pm

      Haha thank you, funny you should mention the cinema – a friend of mine takes a travel potty most places with her and her daughter needed an urgent wee while watching a children’s theatre performance. An urgent wee turned into a straining poo in the aisle!! #stayclassymama

  14. July 23, 2016 / 8:31 pm

    awww thank goodness you got it back! I do think that about my phone now too – whole life on there!! nightmare! #brillblogposts

    • July 23, 2016 / 9:31 pm

      I know, it’s awful really how much we depend on them! Thank you for reading and commenting xx

  15. July 25, 2016 / 9:25 am

    LOL. You really have a way with words.. I can just imagine your day..

  16. July 25, 2016 / 8:46 pm

    If our house 2as on fire I think I’d grab my phone before the Child. True story. Glad you got it back – would your emerging blog empire have collapsed without it? #effitfriday

    • July 25, 2016 / 11:49 pm

      Sadly I don’t think anyone would notice ???? well, you might, the following Friday when you’d realise I hadn’t giffed you up.

  17. July 28, 2016 / 12:59 am

    This sort of thing happens to me! It’s always the way that everything transpires to make you more late the minute you become a bit late!

    Thanks so much for linking up with #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time!

    • July 28, 2016 / 5:38 am

      I know! Start out five minutes late and always end up at least ten minutes late, it’s the law of sod. Thank you for hosting #FridayFrolics ???? xx

  18. July 28, 2016 / 1:26 am

    [Gets up from her chair] Hello my name is Prabs and I’m also a Twaddict. The ‘I’m a lot of stone’ lol. Thank goodness for the phone. I may go back to hanging mine around my neck in the rather fetching (not) pouch I have to avoid calamities like this. #stayclassymama

    • July 28, 2016 / 5:39 am

      Aah, hi there! Shall we skip this confessional and go straight for wine? I love it when you see old people carry their relic mobile on a lanyard around their neck. They’ve got the right idea. #stayclassymama xx

  19. July 28, 2016 / 2:45 pm

    Oh no! A lost phone is seriously my worst nightmare. Well…at least it’s pretty high up there on my worst nightmare list. I’m glad you were able to find it! #brillblogposts

    • July 28, 2016 / 4:07 pm

      It’s definitely top 3…! Thank you for reading and commenting for #brillblogposts xx

  20. July 29, 2016 / 4:59 pm

    It seems to be my look du jour, every jour…! Thank you for reading and commenting for #brillblogposts

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