#34: My Daughter, the Snitch

#34: My Daughter, the Snitch
5 minutes to read

Mouse cannot be trusted to keep a secret. She can’t even be trusted to keep a NON-secret. She’s exceptionally inquisitive (read: a nosy little sod) and about as subtle as a belly dancer at Mardi Gras. Nothing gives her greater joy than stumbling across me or my husband dropping some sort of bollock, so that she can scamper off and tell the other one at two hundred miles per hour. Here are some of her best snitches to date. 

1. Scene: Weekday morning. Early. Me in the kitchen, Daddy upstairs. I’m filling a water bottle at the sink and drop it, spilling water all over the floor. I whisk out a garment from the washing machine to soak it up with, figuring that the garment is dirty, the floor is dirty, it’s all fine.
Mouse: “Mummy, Daddy told me to come and…….MUMMY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Me: “It’s alright, I just spilt some water on the floor.”
Mouse: “That’s Moo’s mus-mus [muslin]. MUMMY! THAT’S NOT YOUR THINGS!
Me: “Really it’s fine, it’s going in the wash anyway. Now, please can you go and tell Daddy that the battery in your toothbrush needs changing?”
Mouse: (Runs towards stairs) Daddy? DADDY! Mummy says my brush….my tooth…DADDY MUMMY PUT WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR! She’s got Moo’s things on it making them ALL WET! DAAAAAADDY! Water is EVERYWHERE! You want to come and see?

2. Scene: I’m getting Mouse to “write” a wedding anniversary card to us from the girls. She’s not keen, and putting in a frankly abysmal performance. She only wants to use one colour pencil, and she wants to draw on the front of the card rather than inside it.
Mouse: “What is this? What am I doing?”
Me: “It’s a surprise thing, for Daddy” (Why did I say that? Bellend.)
Mouse: “Is it card?”
Me: “Yes. Secret card. Not for today.”
Mouse: “I’ll go and give him the card now?”
Me: “No. Absolutely not. It’s not the special day yet, anyway. You won’t tell him, will you?”
Mouse: “No Mummy, it’s secret card!”
Me: “That’s right. Ok, I’ll fake draw the rest of it, don’t worry. Thanks for your help.”
Mouse: (Bum shuffles down the stairs) “Daddy? DADDY! I got green pen on the elephants for you.”
Daddy: “What?”
Mouse: “I do you a card, for secrets, and thems are elephants on it, and I put green on them. With Mummy. You want to come see?”

3. Scene: Daddy has got me a linen arty poster thing for our fourth wedding anniversary, which he foolishly expected to arrive framed. It did not. He carts Mouse off to the shops to buy a frame, but instead of buying a FRAME, manages to choose a decorative framed PRINT which appears to be an entirely sealed box. I know, I know, it’s not a mistaker I would maker, but I wasn’t there. Rather than returning said print and exchanging it for something actually fit for purpose, he retrieves his toolbox from the utility cupboard and attempts to bastardise it into submission. I return home post-incident.
Me: “Hello! I’m back. Mouse, do you like my hair?”
Mouse: “Mummy, MUMMY! He smashed it all on the floor and told it off and…”
Me: “Hang on, hang on. What did he smash?”
Mouse: “The frame. He bent it and it snapped and made mess.”
Me: “What fr-“
Mouse: (Grabs my hand) “Come and see it Mummy! MUMMY LOOK IN THE BIN! FRAME IS THERE!”
Daddy: “Er, calm down Mouse. We said, didn’t we, we said that it was for Mummy’s surprise?”
Mouse: “Yes, Mummy’s surprise photo thing.”
Me: “Why don’t we have a cup of tea and a biscuit?”
Mouse: “I had two custard creams for snack.”
Daddy: (Wilting) “I didn’t see her eat the first one…and she did also have a satsuma.”
Mouse: (Stands by bin) “Here, Mummy, it’s all broken for your present, look.”

4. Scene: I have the feet of a seventy year old retired door-to-door salesman, due to years of unfortunate shoe choices. If I could order a transplant for any part of my body, I’d get me some luxe new pieds. I am laying in bed one morning, having had a shocker of a night with Moo. I’ve adopted my standard leg-out pose.
Mouse: “Hi mummy! I’m going to nursery soon. I came to kiss goodbye to….mummy, what’s that on your foot?
Me: “Morning. What’s what on my foot?”
Mouse: “That thing there. I think it’s skin, it’s all urgh.”
Me: (Cautionary peek) “Oh. That’s just a blister because my shoes rub.”
Mouse: “It’s all flappy. (peers closer) It’s disgusting. Can I touch it?”
Me: “I wouldn’t if I were you. I think they need a pumice.”
Mouse: “Shall I tell Daddy?”
Me: “No, there’s no need….”
(Daddy enters)
Mouse: “Daddy, look! Mummy’s foot is all not nice, right there. Can you see? That bit there.”
Daddy: “That’s because Mummy wears silly shoes and doesn’t look after her feet. You don’t want feet like that, do you? You’re going to wear nice shoes from Clarks forever.”
Me: “Yeah alright, bugger off, the pair of you.”

-SJW August 2016


39 Comments

  1. August 23, 2016 / 7:03 am

    That was speedy reading ???? yes, seems to be getting worse the older she gets too!

  2. August 23, 2016 / 7:04 am

    It’s even more fun when they start letting out your secrets at school!
    #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 7:05 am

      Already getting an element of this at nursery and I panic every time a member of staff says “she came out with the funniest thing this morning…”! Thank you for reading x

  3. August 23, 2016 / 7:33 am

    This really made my morning. I think the frame one is the best. Could you turn her powers to good use? Tell her things are secret when you need to break bad news? Could anyone be angry that you had accidentally bumped their car while parking if Mouse told them? Can she send my Outlaws a message to say I don’t want to go to them for Christmad, I want to stay at home this year? #Chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 7:40 am

      If you tell her that something is a secret she’ll undoubtedly spill so I think we can put the skills to very good news! I’ll get her feedback on the Christmas thing and respond back to you in due course but you have my full sympathy and understanding.

  4. August 23, 2016 / 8:30 am

    Omygosh this is so funny. I love coming accross your posts. Haven’t heard “drop a bollock” for ages I will be re-instating that one!

    • August 23, 2016 / 8:55 am

      Aah thank you, that’s a lovely compliment – always up for a good bollock dropping ????

  5. August 23, 2016 / 8:41 am

    Pahahaha big one is starting to be a bit like this. They’re awful aren’t they! #chucklemums

  6. August 23, 2016 / 8:52 am

    Kids are crap at keeping secrets. I remember a few years where we the big one was absolutely rubbish. “There’s a cake for daddy but it a secret.” “You can’t come in, your secret cake is here”. #chucklemums

  7. August 23, 2016 / 9:29 am

    LOVE the frame one. NG has also given the game away on more than one occasion. We bought NW some birthday chocolate at a festival and two minutes later she’d told him… as it wasn’t a secret any more, it seemed reasonable to eat it all on the spot and the next day (his birthday) he had nothing (I know; I’m a terrible wife). NG said “Mummy ate all your chocolates so it’s her fault.” Actually, with hindsight, it’s a fair point… #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 9:43 am

      That’s it – not only do they snitch, they actively cast about blame, as if they revel in their parents being naughty! On my birthday last week I was told that we had balloons downstairs, croissants for breakfast, I had cupcakes rather than a large cake, and where my present was hidden. All at about 5am. To be fair to you that chocolate would have melted so you did the decent thing by eating it there and then…

  8. August 23, 2016 / 9:51 am

    They’re all a bunch of dibber dobbers! Then again, I’m not much good at keeping an exciting secret… #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 10:55 am

      No, they learn it from somewhere no doubt ???? lol at dibber dobbers.

  9. August 23, 2016 / 10:41 am

    Hahaha, Rian is a total snitcher too. He’s a that age where he’s always grassing up other kids as well – I always tell him, if there’s no blood and nothing is broken then I DON’T CARE. #chucklemums

  10. August 23, 2016 / 12:31 pm

    Ha! What a character. Love the bit about the feet. I was always bad at keeping secrets as a kid too, especially related to presents – I still have the urge to say, “Guess what I bought for you?” to my friends and family around Christmas, like I’m some giant child. #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 12:47 pm

      I’m the same now, I have to give myself a good talking too before o spill any big surprises early!

  11. August 23, 2016 / 6:34 pm

    I remember being a kid and being horrible at keeping secrets. I firmly believe everyone is crap at keeping secrets for the first few years of life. It must be an acquired skill. #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 6:37 pm

      Kind of good really, if you look at it from a safeguarding perspective I guess!

  12. August 23, 2016 / 8:21 pm

    Awww so cute! I love how she talks, especially the bit with the card! Our eldest’s favourite is giving someone a wrapped present and telling them what it is – “happy birthday. It’s bubble bath” – that sort of thing! #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 10:40 pm

      Oh bless, like they can’t possibly hang on for one more minute without spilling the beans!

  13. August 23, 2016 / 9:22 pm

    Yabber dobber doo! They really can’t help themselves. I also enjoy the miscellaneous dobbing outside of the family unit like the times my youngest dobs on her friends for some paltry misdemeanour while they’re round for a play date, I often find myself reminding her in a gruff Eastenders stylee – no one likes a grass! tee hee, totes hilaire post as always xx

    • August 23, 2016 / 10:38 pm

      There’s a naughty boy at pre-school whom regularly gets dobbed in at our house. And rightly so, he sounds like a veritable little shit!

  14. August 23, 2016 / 9:27 pm

    W loves to tell everyone about how “silly mummy” forgot to strap him into his carseat. I really wish he’d forget about it, but unfortunately toddlers seem to have the most ridiculous memory (unless it’s to do with where they hid your keys/purse/phone).
    #chucklemums

  15. August 23, 2016 / 9:53 pm

    Haha I love the description of your feet, I almost feel like I need a photo for context. I have slightly weird looking feet but I know no shame and wear sandals with reckless abandon!
    Also my daughter is a terrible snitch and she’s 7 so has no excuse!

    #chucklemums

    • August 23, 2016 / 10:38 pm

      Lol trust me you really don’t need a photo…maybe one day though we could compare disastrous feet?!

  16. August 23, 2016 / 10:52 pm

    haha this is brilliant. ‘Up north’ we call people who snitch a ‘grass’, don’t ask why, we say lots of stupid things ‘up north’.

  17. August 24, 2016 / 8:20 am

    I’m impressed your husband went to buy a frame so quickly. We’ve got piles of prints that we thought would come framed but didn’t so are now just shoved in a cupboard. #chucklemums

    • August 24, 2016 / 8:48 am

      I think it was all a bit last minute so he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter! That’ll learn him…

  18. August 27, 2016 / 12:15 am

    Nice shoes from Clarke’s ha ha..

    Stepson number 2 is the same, he hands you a present telling you whats in it lol

    #chucklemums

  19. August 29, 2016 / 11:00 pm

    Haha – that’s hilarious! Partly because mine are exactly like this! Such tattle tales! #chucklemums

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