#42: My Skanky Make-Up Bag – Flat Lay

#42: My Skanky Make-Up Bag – Flat Lay
5 minutes to read

I don’t know about you, but my make-up bag is an absolute haven of grot. Long forgotten relics of exciting products I never use, and a horde of old favourites in various states of malnutrition. 

I used to take a moderate degree of care over my “visage”. Now, I ham up my eyes to stop them looking like pissholes in the snow, swoosh some coloured dust over my cheeks to stop them looking so fat, and off I fucking well go. Actually that’s not quite true – I wish – I also try and do something about the bastard t-zone and the bristly brows.

Here are some delightful staples that I can’t even recommend to you, because they’re probably not on sale anymore. Oh and I’ve done a clock photo effect to try and be clever.

Make up bag with 12 items arranged around the centre like a clock

12 Noon InstaBlur by The Body Shop
Now, this is actually pretty good at filling in those cracks and giving you an even base to work with. The only issue is that it’s a bit of a funny texture, not quite a liquid but not really a pliable substance. It therefore erupts from the tube and catches me unawares, like the end result of a disappointing first date.

1pm “Some kind-a gorgeous” foundation by Benefit
Oh how I want to love this. The coverage is decent and the colour is multi-seasonal, but in truth, it gives me a spotty forehead. Probably because of the applicator sponge, which is surely crawling with christ knows what.

2pm Full Flawless Face brush by Bare Escentuals
When I’m doing powder, I use this brush, which tells all sorts of lies because my fizzog is certainly not flawless after application. I read anecdotally that you can use baby shampoo and warm water to “gently” wash your brushes every fortnight, which I translated to a vigorous squeeze under the hot tap with some Fairy* when I remember.

* Don’t be so silly! Aldi own brand, natch.

3pm Stroke of Light eye brightener by bareMinerals
Doesn’t bloody work. My eyes still look vaguely dead. Sort of effective as a concealer for small-time spots, not your angry Mount Etna ones.

4pm Brow Satin by Maybelline
I’m going to tell you a secret. Once you start “doing” your eyebrows, you will not be able to stop. Because suddenly, your brows in their natural, unfettered form will just look shite. They will be the most disappointing focal feature since Gary Lineker wore actual SHORTS on Match of the Day. This jobber is double ended (hello!) – one end is a fine pencil to make a bit of a mess with, and the other is a very forgiving pre-loaded powder sponge tip which smears everything together beautifully and gives only a mildly alarming shape.

5pm Eyeshadow quad palette by L’Oréal
Four delightful shimmery nude shades with a handy guide on the back to tell you how to utilise all of them in one go. Fuck that. There are always two duff shades in these things but mono pots never come supplied with a brush so that’s where they get you. £8 for one good shade and one special occasion shade, which I drag across the entirety of my eyelid with the teeny tiny unfit for purpose brush.

6pm Waterproof kohl eyeliner by bareMinerals
I can confirm that this is indeed waterproof, clap clap. However, it’s so soft that it’s basically falling over itself to get on your face, and a subtle little dash of definition with a cute flick is like trying to do one of those adult colouring books with a fat Crayola. Still, she works hard for the money, and a slick of this on top and bottom lids ensures popping peepers.

7pm Dodgy old pencil sharpener from The Body Shop
Had this since about 2001. The chamber is completely misaligned from the base and I’ve lost the lid, so all pencils come out sharpened with a distinct wonk and the shavings go everywhere. For about four quid you’d think I’d just get another one but frankly, I’d rather buy carton of Celebrations for the same price.

8pm Clump Defy mascara by Max Factor
I was never entirely sure whether this bad boy was supposed to GIVE defined clumps, or define existing clumps out into actual individual lashes. In any case, they say you should bin your mascara after 6 months, or sooner if you’re a contact lens wearer. I say, they can fuck right off. I’ve had years of use out of Old Faithful, and I’ll only consider retiring it when I need to commence a pumping action to get any product on the brush.

9pm Bog standard lip balm by Nivea
Mouse has an obsession with lip balm. I keep some on my bedside table and she’ll routinely wind it all the way up and mash it into her chops, quickly followed with a declaration of “oops, your lip balm just broke Mummy”. After one ruined stick too many, I asked my husband to pick up a cheapy thing from Superdrug that she could have. He returned with one of those red tinted balms in a tin. Yeah, ‘cos that’ll be more user friendly! Men. Honestly.

10pm Work the Colour lip butter by Collection
When did it stop being Collection 2000? Anyway, forever regarded as a bit of a shit brand, it’s actually got some half decent stuff now. I own three shades of this: your non-specific daytime nude, your flirty teenage pink, and your devil red that I always put on and then attempt to scrub back off pretty bloody quick. If I could hone a look, it would be alabaster skin, huge red pouty lips, wingy black eyeliner, and thick black-rimmed glasses. Yes, I would basically morph into Dita Von Teese at the library. I’m not holding my breath, tbh.

11pm Plumptuous lip gloss by 2true (who the actual?)
This is the pièce de résistance. Nothing says 32 year old Mum-of-Two than a clear lipgloss with discernible glitter, right?

-SJW September 2016

Mouse Moo Me Too

53 Comments

  1. September 20, 2016 / 7:07 am

    So with you on collection 2000 now just being Collection! My makeup bag seems to grow an f grow and every so often I have a tidy up and take out the stuff I never use. My basics are foundation powder (just switched from bare minerals to smashbox), collection contour but just use as a bronzer, eyeliner and mascara. Getting permanent eye brows was the best investment ever! No more naked brows in the gym! #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 7:20 am

      Ooooh permanent brows are on my dream list! I daren’t float that idea with my husband though as he’d think it’s a bit crazy frivolous. I do admire a strong brow though. Thanks for commenting lovely xx

  2. September 20, 2016 / 7:44 am

    I seriously need to up my brow game, although I’m a tad concerned that in a couple of years the current trend for huge defined brows is going to look like me in the 90s with my completely plucked barely-there brows. Anyway, your make up bag sounds a lot like mine-a haven of grot! #tribe

    • September 20, 2016 / 9:05 am

      Or worse still – the schoolgirl error of SHAVING your brows and taking way too much off, shudder. Thank you for reading lovely xx

  3. September 20, 2016 / 8:51 am

    I was going to say: ha, ha! This is me…and then saw that the last comment was that and thought you may think I was being lazy and just cutting and pasting. However…this is me to a tee! Every now and then my teenage daughters have a root around and find sweet fa to their liking. I am definitely not a make-up guru! Alison x #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 9:03 am

      Haha I would never think that! Ooh let’s hope your daughters have better taste and then you can pinch their nice stuff ???? Thanks for reading lovely xx

  4. September 20, 2016 / 8:54 am

    This is me! I have six or seven make-up bags that went into my school bag and never saw the light of day again, they’re probably still in there and full of Miss Sporty because it was the cheapest in Superdrug, that weird Dream Matte Mousse that made you bright orange whatever the shade, and the occasional Rimmel or Maybelline that I’d probably nicked from my mum! I love this. #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 9:02 am

      Haha yes I remember when mousse foundation was ‘invented’ and it was all horrible, spot inducing orange putty! Thank you for reading for chucklemums xx

  5. September 20, 2016 / 9:06 am

    I let the toddler play with my make up bag for an easy life. I am terrified to use most of it now, as god know where it has been.

    #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 9:07 am

      Brave, brave move! I did start my toddler off with a little bag of my unwanted rubbish but she’s too heavy handed with it so she just has the lip balm now, ha. Thank you for reading lovely xx

  6. September 20, 2016 / 9:06 am

    2013 is absolutely fine, that’s pretty hot off the shelves! Thanks for reading and commenting lovely xx

  7. September 20, 2016 / 9:09 am

    Oh you’re so funny! Not even on sale anymore! Oh to be youthful and not need all this we paste on our faces. I’m not brave enough and I’ve got 10 years on you lovely so I’m guessing that you need not worry at your very young age of 32!

  8. September 20, 2016 / 9:48 am

    I bet the shops there have some nice bits. Can’t wait to see your wedding makeup ???? xx

  9. September 20, 2016 / 10:28 am

    My make up choices and bag really haven’t changed since the late 90s. I really must get some ‘grown up’ make up!

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:52 pm

      Haha then you’ll look all different and hanker for the old faithfuls! Thanks for reading xx

  10. September 20, 2016 / 10:40 am

    This is all too familiar. Except I’m quite impressed with you washing your brushes when you remember – my (one ) brush has not seen anything but Rimmel bronzer for ever. Also – the bronzer lid always comes loose and showers my make up bag with bits of brown cack. *Sigh* #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:51 pm

      Haha, we acknowledge these problems and yet we don’t fix them, I’ve also got a mangled pot of bronzer somewhere but it’s winter now so it’ll have to stay like it until June. Thanks for reading xx

  11. September 20, 2016 / 10:51 am

    I think it’s about time I did a make up bag overhaul. I think ‘they’ say to replace make up brushes every so often but I’ve been using the same one for at least 10 years. It was from Mac and cost a fortune and it still works, so despite being filled with all sorts of bugs and lice I’m keeping it! #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:50 pm

      Oh god yes, don’t throw Mac brushes out unless your child shits on them! Thank you for reading xx

  12. September 20, 2016 / 11:16 am

    There is stuff lurking at the bottom of my make up bag which has been there for over 5 years I’m sure of it! I haven’t got the courage to empty it out and see for sure! #ChuckleMums

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:49 pm

      Just lay a bit of kitchen roll over the bad depths and start again ???? thank you for reading xx

  13. September 20, 2016 / 11:35 am

    I must admit my makeup bag is a bit poop! I had an eyeshadow break a while ago and couldn’t be bothered to tidy it at the time so it’s a bit of a powdery mess in there x

  14. September 20, 2016 / 11:46 am

    I hear what you mean about make-up being about trying to stop your eyes look like “piss holes in the snow” Yep, I too try to stop my face sliding south as the day goes on. No make-up has ever helped with that! 🙂 #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:47 pm

      From piss hole to panda in one easy step ???? thank you for commenting lovely xx

  15. September 20, 2016 / 12:22 pm

    I’m as bad at make up now as I was when I was 13. I just don’t get this whole brow game thing, mine resemble two quarreling slugs! I do love my Urban Decay palette though – it’s totes wasted on me. Fab post 🙂 #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:46 pm

      Yeah urban decay is on my wishlist (and ebay watching list, ha). Thank you for commenting xx

  16. September 20, 2016 / 12:37 pm

    I feel you… I daren’t dig too deeply in mine. I am scared of getting bitten by a long lost angry applicator sponge. God knows what would happen if my fingers found the eyeliner sharpener (there is only so long they can tolerate the dark before they turn nasty). #chucklemums xx

    • September 20, 2016 / 12:46 pm

      Haha, the sponge will be humming with bacteria I bet! Thank you for reading xx

  17. September 20, 2016 / 1:00 pm

    Hmm yes, I just can’t seem to prioritise “gently washing” my makeup brushes anymore…Somehow actually washing myself seems to take precedent. This morning I put two swipes of blusher on so I didn’t look so deathly pale and also then had to put some on my toddler who was demanding her makeup on (talking of which I tried to make her own “Fakeup” out of old packaging but she isn’t that stupid so now I have to share mine with a 2 yr old) I wish these sort of posts featured in Cosmo…not that I read it (do they still print Cosmo or did it go out with Collection 2000?). #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 1:04 pm

      I have no idea about Cosmo, I never buy magazines anymore unless I want the free gift! With you on fake up turning into bastard proper make up. Buy your own with your savings! Thank you for reading xx

  18. September 20, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    I wipe out my make up bag daily and lay out the items I want to use. I like to be able to locate the eyeshadow palette that most compliments my outfit choice that day. I clean my brushes every friday and I’m totes having you on………WHAT YOU SAID, I love you posts, always hilario! Is it not ok to put water in my crap mascara when it’s virtually dried up to give it another 6 months?? x #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 1:31 pm

      You genuinely had me going with the first line! Oooh is watering down mascara a thing? Like the old school thinner you could buy for emulsion-consistency tippex? Love your posts too and can’t wait to read the birthday party escapades later xx

  19. September 20, 2016 / 2:09 pm

    I have no bag. I know it’s is pathetic and I think my makeup was from the last century – hahaha! Mine are relics, all right. Thanks for hosting #chucklemums

  20. September 20, 2016 / 2:40 pm

    Haha, what a good idea for a blog! You should make it a challenge (or an expose on the horrors that lurk) #chucklemums

  21. September 20, 2016 / 2:44 pm

    Ha ha, this is like Mother’s make-up bag which is a black hole of blue eyeshadow, dried up mascara and broken pencils. Mother’s make up starts of vaguely crap and finishes like a horror movie at the end of the night – a very true post #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 3:09 pm

      Blue eyeshadow! Mother clearly makes bold, bold choices when not tending to an exploring little beauty ???? Thank you for commenting xx

  22. September 20, 2016 / 3:04 pm

    I just replaced by bag and most of my make up as my older daughters got into it to transform themselves into Monster High Dolls. About a week into a new bag and it already looks a hot mess. Perhaps if I could hold onto a single eyeliner cap like would be different. Why the f**k do I have eight blush compacts…I don;t think I have ever even worn blush!

    #chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 3:08 pm

      Haha yes I imagine in your house nice things need to be kept under lock and key! I laughed at Monster High Dolls. Thank you for commenting xx

  23. September 20, 2016 / 3:16 pm

    4pm – oh yeah with you on this one. Best piece of advice from my mum was ‘don’t shave or pluck anything you don’t have to’. Oh how I wish I’d listened. Except my brows really did need it!

  24. September 20, 2016 / 6:03 pm

    You are a whole 11 hours up on me in the maquillage department. I only wear mascara these days. It could be a grandfather clock for my make-up bag photo – with a tin of Vaseline for the face. Really enjoyed this post despite being unable to relate… #Chucklemums

    • September 20, 2016 / 6:10 pm

      Better a grandfather clock than a too trendy swatch! Comment made me laugh, thank you xx

  25. September 20, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    Love this! Oh how excited I got when I bought Some Kinda Gorgeous foundation…for once I didn’t jump and say “I’m fine I’m fine” at the bubbly sales lady…such a disappointment, or maybe it’s my flakey lifeless skin ???? Xx

  26. September 21, 2016 / 2:49 pm

    Hey, Aldi own brand is great! I once realised I had the same Aldi make-up as a prostitute on telly. That’s how I know it’s sexy, when it’s sex-worker approved x

    • September 21, 2016 / 3:12 pm

      Genuinely just made me cackle. Do Aldi do own brand lube I wonder?

  27. September 21, 2016 / 2:49 pm

    #chucklemums

  28. September 21, 2016 / 8:53 pm

    Love the bit of Frenchie in this post. And the nivea lips balms is a must have! #chucklemums

    • September 21, 2016 / 9:22 pm

      Haha I bet your make up bag is very very sophisticated ❤️ xx

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