#66: I Need Some Sleep…Time To Put The Old Horse Down

#66: I Need Some Sleep…Time To Put The Old Horse Down
5 minutes to read

Much like potty training and weaning, sleep (or lack of) is the post that every blogger has a crack at. Why? Because sleep deprivation is a fucking toad and to write about it is to get catharsis for the hideous impact it has.

I’m not even greedy, you know? Six hours a night would genuinely be fine. The key (are you reading this Moo? THIS IS THE KEY!) is that I need those six hours to be unbroken. Uninterrupted. I feel a bit spent now, nine months in, being woken up at any point between 2am and 5am to flop a tit out and try not to doze off at the wheel, as it were. There’s no routine to it – some nights, it’s 2.01am for a 40 minute feed. Other nights, we get to 5am and she wants a quick ten minutes. Maybe once a month, she’ll sleep through, and I wake up with one deflated balloon and one concrete boulder on my chest.

Way back, way way back, I thought I was alright with it. I was so shit hot at daytime organisation and efficiency, that I thought I’d trained myself to function on the mish mash of nighttime wakenings. It was just something that happened, a night feed, having my REM tipped upside down. I was cool with it.

But. I can’t remember the last time I’ve woken in the morning and been able to remember what I dreamed about. Every dawn I feel slightly hungover, unable to extract myself from my fluffy bed until absolutely necessary. I never used to feel like this – I used to bounce up and out at 5.45am and beast the hell on with my day like Wall-E.

I really, really bloody hope that in the next few months, Moo masters sleeping through, and I start to get my shit back together. In the meantime, though, here’s a slightly oddball list of the things I’ve done when driven to distraction by lack of slumber. Please feel free to cock your head to one side in a sympathetic fashion, offer soothing words, or send a Twix.

Washing Segregation

When I’m hanging out the washing, I’ll separate out pairs of socks, matching jim jam sets etc, because I humanise the garments and think that maybe they fancy a bit of a break from each other. They’re paired up ALL DAY, right? Don’t we all like a bit of freedom from time to time? So, pink stripey sock will go and hang out with green spotty sock for a while. Sleepysaurus pyjama top will sashay up to my “work it out harder” emblazoned gym leggings for a gossip. Then…a while later, I’ll feel bad that I’ve separated soulmates, and I’ll actually reunite the clothes with their rightful bedfellows. I’ll stand by the drying rack and channel the late, great Cilla in that programme that isn’t Surprise, Surprise, AKA The Other One She Did.

Sleb Daydreaming

I often find myself wondering what “ordinary” celebrities are up to at any given moment. I don’t mean anyone mid-profile like Cat Deeley (god love her), I mean your more mainstream, accessible personality. Like Michaela Strachan. Where does she do her weekly shop? Does she ever go to Matalan to buy scatter cushions? Does she have bunions? While I’m sat here, typing this, what’s she doing? I bet she’s asleep. Heathen.

Freezer Itinerary

In sadder times, I’ve been known to mentally take myself off into the depths of my freezer drawer, and tot up the contents. I know I’ve seen three tubs of leftovers, but WHAT’S IN THEM? I’m betting a stir fry, a bolognese, and a wildcard. Oooh, wildcard meal. If it’s red, I can bung some cheese on it. Please don’t let it be rice. I always freeze leftover rice then get struck by the fear that never, ever should you reheat rice because of food poisoning. I do, dear reader. I nuke that rice and hope for the best.

Free Every Pea

Or baked bean. I’ll explain. You know I humanise clothes? I also humanise bits of food. I cannot leave one solitary baked bean, pulse, legume or pea in its can or packet because it’s a bit fiddly to get out. What if I throw away the packet, or wash the can out, and the lone foodstuff feels sad and abandoned? What if I’ve just separated it from a dear relative or friend? I know in theory it’ll all go the same way – back into the earth via organic, er, waste production. But I can’t be that person to break up true love. I’ll scrape the bottom of that can with my fingernails, if I have to.

Worry

Oh, nothing gives me greater sadistic joy than a really good old worry, manifesting in my complete lack of coherency. In the morning, I worry about everything I have to do that day. By lunchtime, I’ve started to worry about a nominal eventuality that may or may not take place next week / month / year. Mid-PM I treat myself to a coffee and all is good with the world. Then early evening strikes and my worries for the next day unfold. Bedtime comes and goes and sees me harness a welcome burst of enthusiasm, pep even, as I slob on the sofa watching South Today at 10.35pm. Then exhaustion taps me on the shoulder and I’m rewarded with perhaps two or three hours of sleep before madam awakes from her slumber for a quick refreshment. If I focus very hard, I can abate the night time worries, else I’d never get back to sodding sleep.

I’m not alone in such behaviour, am I?! This will all stop when I get back to the halcyon full night of Z’s, yes?

-SJW November 2016

 

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16 Comments

  1. November 29, 2016 / 7:22 am

    I still don’t sleep brilliantly. It took Rian 22 months to sleep through. We had to stop feeding him in the night. Cruel but only thing that did it & only took 3 days…#chucklemums

  2. November 29, 2016 / 8:00 am

    *tilts head to one side* It won’t be forever. That’s what my mother said to me at the time of no sleep I wanted to kill her. She did have a point although I don’t think there’s really anything you can say to make it ok, it’s definitely a waiting game. I like the idea of the socks needing a bit of time out from each other. I think our socks might have commitment issues given that time in the draw is rarely spent with a matching partner. #chucklemums

  3. November 29, 2016 / 8:06 am

    I am awful without decent sleep and struggled to deal without a good sleep when Pops first came home. Luckily she sleeps quite well now except from the odd dummy trip! Thanks for hosting #chucklemums

  4. November 29, 2016 / 9:01 am

    Ohhhh yes i am right there…and ready for the long haul but too sleep deprived to work out the effect of sleep deprivation on me at the moment. Probably just worry and not a small amount of anger. Yep anger. Loving your list and the baked bean, sock souls theory! Meet up for a twix soon!? I’ll control the aforementioned anger, promise!

  5. November 29, 2016 / 10:28 am

    I thought I was the only one who slung cheese on anything red. I also now feel guilty for hanging matching clothes on the line! My socks must hate me, this is why one always disappears I guess? …We’re all fucking mad you know that right!! Great post #Chucklemums

  6. November 29, 2016 / 12:07 pm

    Where can I send the twix? Seriously feeling for you mother. We’re at 12 months (in 3 days) and thankfully, for the moment, we’ve got the hang of this sleeping lark. But we battled until about 10 months. Worse still was that he refused to do more than 2 x 20 minute naps during the day so I had a list as long as my arm of things to do (my arms aren’t very long, but you get the idea). Really really hope Moo gets to grips with things soon and you can stop separating sockmates

  7. November 29, 2016 / 1:29 pm

    Last night y stupid husband stayed up way past his old man bedtime so I was stuck with our six year old who chases me around at night when I leave her side and TWO screaming toddlers who need me to sleep in their room now. Once screamed for an hour for Santa…fucking SANTA.

    I was angry swearing mom.

    #chucklemums

  8. November 29, 2016 / 1:49 pm

    I thought I was going insane with my humanising. I humanise everything, clothes, food, toys. Sometimes if I can’t get the last baked bean out or I accidentally throw away the end of the cucumber that should by rights have been eaten, I tell myself that I’ve given them the gift of freedom from their destined path in life. A last chance of freedom. An adventure. The bean that got away. Thanks for making me feel less mental. #chucklemums

  9. November 29, 2016 / 3:10 pm

    I definitely need to get on the freezer itinerary, I have old purée in there for the babies… need to defrost before scooping though so can’5 be arsed just yet. Good luck with the sleep… I have no tips, just luck to offer. #chucklemums

  10. November 29, 2016 / 7:16 pm

    Having just spent the last two nights with a sick 13 month old who wil only sleep lying on top of me, I am craving some unbroken hours of sleep too. I haven’t segregated my laundry, but I have tried to sweep the living room with my bare hands, because it seemed easier than standing up and getting the hoover at the time. Hope you get a good night’s sleep soon #chucklemums

  11. November 29, 2016 / 8:45 pm

    Awww I feel your pain. Especially the bit about worrying. There’s nothing worse/better than a worry in the middle of the night. I fear that sleep has gone for ever, never to return again – what if I never have another lie-in!?! #chucklemums

  12. November 29, 2016 / 11:36 pm

    I have a plan to get Trump out of office. Wake him up every two hours with ‘essential’ business and after a few weeks he’ll be desperate to leave office and return to his good ol life of a full nights rest. What do you think? Jo #chucklemums

  13. November 30, 2016 / 1:08 am

    Aww well you know that I’m with you here – it’s so bloody crippling. After 19 months, there just seems to be no end to it! The part about worrying so much really resonated, I sometimes lie there with all these thoughts whizzing round that I can’t possibly relax 🙁 Fab post lovely! xx

  14. November 30, 2016 / 4:52 pm

    We took the night boob away – I just couldn’t cope any longer because I’ma horrible selfish mother. I also do that thing with celebrities, especially if they have children. I’m like ‘I wonder if Kimberley from Girls Aloud is cleaning poo off her carpet right now?’ #chucklemums

  15. December 1, 2016 / 10:30 am

    Sleep deprivation is a fucking toad…Heathen…You may be sleep deprived but you are still a hilarious kick ass writer. I was just chuckling at my desk. Got frowned at by the boss. Leo woke 8/9 times a night till he was 2 and I literally thought I would go batshit crazy! Now I am to afraid to have a second child cause I have slept again and like it. A lot. Sympathetic sounds xxx #chucklemums xxx

  16. December 5, 2016 / 12:05 pm

    Sleep deprivation is the devil. I was unrecognisable on it. But do you know what gets me is that I still don’t sleep well even though my children do and that awful niggling thing called worry needles it’s way in during those early hours – that and back pain and boom – just like that – I’m awake! Thank god for the comfort of social media during those early hours! your washing ritual is hilaire bells! xx

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